I love the onset of the fall months. There is a tang in the air and a crispness to the mornings, which are the indicators that autumn is close. The leaves are starting to give up their color and the temperatures are giving a nod to the coming season. And if that isn’t enough the State Fair starts today. All the wonder and fun of the next season is upon us.
For me the change of season can be challenging. Even though fall is my time to wallow in, I find myself getting sad while approaching September. Every year I go through this, and these days it takes me awhile to figure out why.
It doesn’t take long for me to recognize that I have a body memory of a different time; a time when I was getting my boys ready for school. Maybe everyone goes through this, but this beginning of the school year was ripped from my life after Alex died. We were denied his Senior year and all the fun and excitement that goes along with it.
These days I do not actively think about his senior year and what might have been, but my body remembers the sadness I experienced at that time. Even the joy of Morgan’s senior year and graduation was not enough, apparently, to remove this from my body. It helps to recognize that this is a stored memory, and that it has been a long time since I did the school prep thing for the boys. Up until a year ago I was doing my prep to start school at the end of September, as I pursued my own degree.
With all of that knowledge the wisp of sadness remains. I can only acknowledge it, and then try to move on to enjoy this time of crunchy leaves, cooler weather, and a wistfulness for what is coming. The thing is, my year begins in September, period. I can’t move it in my mind, so I must deal. And I am.
For 23 years I worked in a high school where classes always started in September. Then I started college where the classes also started in September. So like you, the month of September seems to start my year, and I think of years gone by and what might be ahead. J
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