A More Serious Note

There is a Beatles song called “A Long and Winding Road.” That would describe this last year for me. Going time and time again to a surgery center for steroid shots in the spine; didn’t really work out. But there is no shortcut to the final lap. I had to see a psychologist before the permanent installation of the neuro stimulator and was fit to be tied about the delay and perceived absurdity of having to go through this indignity. During the entire year+, I mostly lived in a chair because standing and walking were beyond difficult. Even sitting and lying down were extremely painful. Unless I learned to fly something had to happen soon. I was not graced with great patience when told that the insurance company demanded psych exams for anyone looking toward this procedure.

Finally the big day arrived. Yea! There was a three hour delay because hospitals do not run on time. In itself this wouldn’t have been a big problem except I was on a hard bed, in extreme pain, dressed in a paper gown. I did ask them to hold off on the IV’s so that I wouldn’t have to schlep down the hallway in my lovely outfit to visit the bathroom.

The big moment slowly crept up on me. I woke up with a high tech object in my hip, connected to internal wires that were inserted into my spine. I have a remote control; the bionic woman anyone! The night in the hospital was not great, but that was to be expected. Beyond that things appeared to be working great and the surgical pain was bearable.

However, being me there had to be a hiccup. After 10 days I needed to charge my internal unit with an outside charger. This is no big deal. It sits against the skin and does its thing. But mine would not charge. It didn’t matter what they did. So for the first time in my neurosurgeon’s history of installing these units (100’s), he had to go in and change the placement. My body had built up a fluid pocket around the internal unit. @#$%@!! So two weeks after the first surgery, I had to return for a full throttle second surgery. So now I have a 4” scar on my middle spine, and two horizontal scars on my lower back at the hip. Guess my modeling days are over.

This neuro-stimulator is doing its job well. I am very happy with the result. But I do now know why they had the psychological exam. I have had moments where I slightly panicked by knowing that my pain management and mobility is dependent on a ‘thing’ in my body. This is probably something which comes up often when a person has a foreign object inserted into their body. Pacemaker’s come to mind. While my life is not dependent on the stimulator, as with pacemakers, my ability to live my life is affected.

Now I am learning how to function with/and use the remote control for the amount of stimulation I need to move without agonizing pain. I am very grateful to modern technology, medical insurance, and the continuing support or my husband, family, and friends. I am also in physical therapy to regain strength and stamina after such a long period of enforced inactivity.

I am starting the New Year with a much improved outlook. Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2012 is good to you.

Waiting

Patience is a virtue! I am not feeling very virtuous today. The surgeon is not able to fit me into the schedule for two weeks. !@#! It seems as if I have been waiting forever. Realistically, a two week wait does not seem like much, but emotionally it feels like forever.

I am ready. The hair is permed, the laundry done, things located in higher positions around the house, so that I do not have to bend over. I am having trouble distracting myself from the pain, but I have no choice.

So I am living in the land of Star Trek Voyager. This was my favorite Star Trek show. I am lounging in the ship with the doctor, Neelix, Seven of Nine, and the many others. I know many men who loved this show because of Seven of Nine. Her ‘attributes’ are the stuff of legend. (wink, wink, nod, nod) However, I do not care about these said attributes, but enjoy her interpretation of the character as resident Borg.

Thank goodness for Netflix streaming, which is allows me to find many things to watch when I cannot sleep. Hooray! I love the 21st century and all of its technology.

Please wish a speedy two weeks for me. Thanks.

Hair

What is it about women and our hair? Whether we have a lot or a little, it is never good enough! Mine is longer than normal right now since I took a break from perms. A friend recently said how great it looked this way and thinks I should reconsider an upcoming perm. Interesting! I hate my hair like this. It is lank, messy, heavy, hot, and unruly. I think it is a pain to work with. My husband thinks it is lush, soft, and wonderful and would love for me to grow it down to my waist. Ha.
I mentioned that I would be perfectly okay with him growing his down to his waist, but that I didn’t want to mess with mine at this point in my life. Perhaps he could grow his nose or ear hairs out!! He mentions how lovely my tresses were when we met (41 years ago) and it isn’t fair that I cut it. I mentioned that he had hair then also. If he grows his back maybe I will take a stab at it. He is semi-bald and beautiful, but unless he wants to join the Hair Club for Men, it is unlikely that we will ever have long locks together. Love that man. Bring on the perm.

Quiet Solitude

Sometimes there is nothing like silence. I love my solitude to be so quiet that I can hear the sounds of nature without the pounding of a hammer or the jet plane flying over. Today the rustle of the leaves as the wind blows through them, is especially enticing. It makes me feel calm. My doggie is sleeping, the TV is off, the sky is blue, and I feel so incredibly relaxed. I am puttering and do not have anything pressing. This is a moment in time to be relished!

Frame of Mind

So when the body quit working, the creative writing juices dried up! Life continues anyway, and I am finding my way.

The last year has been filled with lack of mobility and pain. This was not totally unexpected given my diagnosis, but the reality is different than the expectation. Things seemed hopeless for a while but I have this will of iron which I inherited from my mother. If I can survive the death of my beloved son, then I will not be victim to the dysfunction of my body. I may not be able to do everything I want, but I can continue to live again.

Much of moving past the “cannot” in life is frame of mind. I have found that staying in the self-pity mode will not work for me. It can be a comforting place of ‘not fair’ for a period, but before long it is easy to start drowning in despair. I have visited the land of despair before and do not ever want to go there again.

It is delightful to be living in the 21st century. I am receiving state of the art and up to the minute Neurological Stimulation Therapy, which involves placement of electrodes in my spine and a very small battery located near it. It is a bit like a pacemaker for the spine. The electrical current displaces the pain, and leaves a vibration feeling in the back, legs, and feet, instead of the nerve burning. It also is unlocking the muscles and allowing for much improved walking and standing. The final surgery will take place in a couple of weeks. I am just completing the trial now.

I have never wanted this blog to be sad and serious, but sometimes life can be serious. This wonderful technology will allow me to start over physically. I can exercise again. I always loved to walk and swim, and perhaps some of that will come back into my life. Maybe I can once again just run into a store to pick something up without having to use a scooter. A little shopping would be fun! I might even go back into the work world. I can see new vistas in the horizon.

I feel blessed with the outstanding medical care being directed at me from amazing doctors. I am surrounded by loving family and friends and am fortunate to have medical insurance. There are many things to be grateful for, and I know it. I will continue to deal with physical issues as they may arise. Hopefully the creative juices are returning and this will be the first of a new series of postings.