Be careful what you ask for: Irony

I guess these early days of fall-approaching have put me in a reflective place. This has recently popped up in my mind, and I realize what an irony it is. I do not view this as a sad accounting, just an accounting of growth.

After Alex died I became a freight train of movement toward having my son known everywhere, and that included the whole world. There were articles for the local papers; poetry; television; state laws; speeches; anything I could think of. I witnessed to all that I would carry the torch of his memory.

So, that said, I wrote a book which is available at Amazon, worldwide. In 1999 and again this year, I created poster/signs for The Compassionate Friends Conference, in memory of all our beloved children. Alex’s name was centered at the bottom of these 45 and 152 signs, respectively. People came from all over the world and his name was witnessed.

This year was the 15th anniversary of his death and much of this I did to commemorate him. There is really so little to do at this time and space. What I realized though, is that I gave up the torch-carrying role many years back, and no longer felt the need for strangers to know him. Those who know and love him don’t need me to beat them over the head with said torch. But isn’t it ironic that after letting go of this desire for his visage and name to go worldwide, it happened, but it no longer matters. The greater world community can never really know him and while they may care in a global sense, it is not possible to mourn the death of each individual who is unknown to you.

I asked God for help with my plan, and I do not regret that Alex's name is out there. But it in no way alleviates the pain in my heart about his absence. My growth is in the letting go. Irony abounds.