January 1, 2023

 Another new year and my deep realizations.

People can be there for me in their own way, not mine. 

I can be there for others in my way, but perhaps not how they are expecting.

This is big for me to finally recognize!!

Friends who have moved on for a variety of reasons; I need to let go without hard feelings. They were here for the time to walk through my life and teach a lesson. I may be approaching 70 years old but I can learn. I have learned. Go in peace.

I thought I could never mourn again after losing our sweet son, Alex. I was wrong. I have lost several friends since then and I do mourn them. Not like him but I do feel the sadness.

I have learned the hard way to not judge people and their devotion to their pets. We were so devoted to our Frenchie, Truffle, and she died after 13 years. Wow! I mourn and miss my sweet girl.

I made a vow to not discuss politics of any sort during this 2023 year. I am tired of it all. I did my part to get that monster out of the White House and now I leave it to others to fight the never ending battle of his minions. I want peace. I lost friends over the time he was in office and after the insurrection. I regret how I handled my part in all this. But I have let them go also..with love and sorrow.

It has been five years since we landed in our new home of North Las Vegas. We love it here. I don’t miss Oregon at all. Most of our friends travel here to see us. Morgan has moved here and finally found himself. The friends who did not do their part to keep in touch I have let go with love. They could not be part of my long distance life. I truly cared for these people but cannot control their choices. I hope they are well.

I have issues. Last year I battled breast cancer. I have a neurological disease which has taken away my ability to walk. And I battle asthma, the reason we moved here. 

But I do not have far to look for the major joys in my life. John, my husband of 51 years; Morgan, our beloved son who is now nearby; incredible local friends; beyond incredible life friends who fly in to see us often. That is where I am placing my energy from here on out. 

So Happy New Year to all. Sending love to those gone too soon. 

We are now over eight months into our move. It is two days short of August 2018, and we have made it through the worst of the weather issues in Nevada. This has become home, although every now and then I will say something about back home meaning Oregon. I guess that is how it will always be but I can live with it.

I had no idea that there was a monsoon season in the Las Vegas Valley. We have had extreme heat (expected), thunder, lightning, rain, flash floods, and worst of all, humidity. They say it lasts about three months, but it is not a daily thing, thank goodness. The heat itself is very manageable for me as long as its buddy humidity is not visiting. Otherwise, I do quite well up to about 108 degrees. Above that I just stay home.

There have been many, many comments about why we would move to sin city and gambling. The reality is that we do not live on The Strip. Outside of that small area there are communities that work, go to school, play sports, participate in outdoor activities such as hiking and swimming. We live in the City of North Las Vegas, which is its own town of 650,000 people. I have never met friendlier or more helpful people anywhere. I also like the diversity of the area. So far I have not witnessed any sin, just people living their lives. 

As for gambling, there are many outlying casinos, which encompass theaters, entertainment, restaurants, and of course, slot machines and table games. Yes, we go there but it is a small part of our lives, not the main thrust. It is fun to go to a meal at the diner (casinos have the best food), and then plunk a little money into a slot machine. I am not a big gambler, but did win $200 after one breakfast. Of course, I had no idea what the machine was doing. These days they flash and make noise and then let you know if you win. So that was fun. I took my $200 bucks and left.

Mostly, we socialize within our enclosed retirement community. The club has many activities and we are getting to know a lot of people. Surprisingly, many are from the Northwest. In fact, I met one couple who were from the Beaverton area, which is where I was raised. Small World!

My health is improved considerably; the main reason we moved. I love my new state and am now a licensed Nevadan. I cannot believe it has been over eight months and I love it here.

yes!

I can breathe; deeply and fully. The asthma is not gone, but is very well managed and I finally feel human again. This makes all the hardship of moving worth it. This was the hopeful goal.

The sun hangs like a jewel in my vision. The desert glimmers as this very sun dances on the sand. I never knew I could love the non-green environment so very much. I keep waiting for the longing for lush foliage and grasses to hit me, but so far this has not happened.

I do believe that Oregon and its weather fit my life perfectly for over 50 years, but then it slowly became less perfect this last four years. Now I am in a different stage of life, and the arid climate and slower pace suits me well.

I feel fortunate that we were able to make this change together.  John is so happy and busy; Truffle is flourishing. Our nightly walks in the moonlight are a highlight of the day, as we watch our little sweetheart run and sniff and be joyful in her new home. I love being able to get in the car and go wherever I want and not worry about getting soaked. My scooter and car lift have created so much independence, but I was constantly wet for nine months of the year in my beloved Oregon.

Oregon will always be my real home, but this is wonderful in a different way. Viva Las Vegas! There are so many new things to explore.

Part 1

So much has happened since my last posting. I had to overcome another obstacle and that was me. I had become someone I did not like as I sat in a lovely prison aka my home. No matter how comfortable, if you are trapped, it is a prison. I was confined by weather and constant illness from my lovely Oregon, where I am allergic to everything. My accessibility into other homes was very limited.  I felt sorry for myself, isolated, and angry.

So……..we moved. Pigs now fly and hell has frozen over because Terri left her home state. It certainly did not take any arm twisting for my husband. I just mentioned would he consider moving to Nevada for the desert air. He was online looking for houses that very night.

Within six weeks we had the house on the market, bought a house in Vegas, and moved. My head is still spinning because of the speed in which this happened. But I felt compelled to get out of Oregon before winter set in. We rolled in here on November 15, 2017 to our home in North Las Vegas. It is its very own town of a mere 650,000 people.  We beat the first winter storm in the mountains by two days.

All the typical things happen when one moves. Nothing goes right. Our dog almost died on the way here; my car lift for the scooter broke about the half way mark; and due to unforeseen circumstances I had to drive about 700 miles of the 1000 mile trip. But we made it.

This is the home we left.

This is our new home in sunny North Las Vegas.

Very different styles for different environments. I loved our Portland home, but was ready for this change.

Part 2

We were so busy trying to pack and downsize by 1000 square feet, that I did not let myself think about anything else. Like leaving our adult son and leaving my deceased son’s grave; leaving a lifetime of friendships; parting from my sisters and friends; saying  goodbye to our disabled ready house and the most beautiful home we have ever had. Putting Oregon behind us and going south to Nevada and knowing that my ability to travel is very limited. It is very unlikely that I will ever be able to travel back to Oregon. My heart hurts at the thought. It will always be my real home; where we raised our boys and nurtured our marriage and friendships.

Still, I love North Las Vegas. I am not corralled by rain. I can get in my car and go and know that I will not get drenched as I use my scooter lift. The sunshine is spirit lifting. Almost every day I get up to bright skies. Our doggie, Truffle, loves this desert climate and is acting like a puppy. She is almost 10 years old. This move may have lengthened her life span.

My breathing difficulties have not eased as yet. But I would have that in Portland. Here I have a freedom and just deal with it. Accessibility is amazing. Plus, many homes are accessible because of the over 55 communities. Every building, doctor, hair stylist, massage therapist, is totally accessible. I do not feel so isolated.

Life is never perfect. I miss my son. I miss knowing my friends are close by. We are alone here, but I am a hopeful person and think it will be okay. I prefer who I am now to who I was three months ago.

A New Day
Thursday

Well, this seems like an odd date to start over but the urge to start writing again has crept up on me. I had never intended to stop where I did. I guess it was a matter of life issues and coping with the new aspect of disability.

As of two years ago I became scooter/wheelchair dependent. I can take a few steps but walking is no longer an option. It has taken awhile to come to terms with this new way of being. I am gratified that my entire life has not been like this; many are born into a life of disability. But after a lifetime of 'normal mobility' this has proved challenging.

When I say scooter/wheelchair dependent, that means years ago it would have been a wheelchair. But technology has give us a bevy of alternatives. Since I am not paralyzed, I have the option of a scooter. But make no mistake, I am as attached to that as anyone in a wheelchair is to their mobility choice. Scooter's give non-paralyzed people ways of moving that is not possible from a wheelchair. For now, I am grateful for these small favors.

There are the obvious things that one immediately thinks of when faced with loss of mobility, like just walking around. Then there are the things I never thought of, like counter height, inability to access other people's homes, and accessibility generally speaking. This has been nothing less than an education in which I will have to earn at least a 'life Bachelor's Degree.' Frequently I am presented with a new obstacle and have to brainstorm and really problem solve about how to circumvent this obstacle. Actually, I am amazed at the results that come to mind. Some are big and some are small, but each gives me back a piece of freedom that has absconded.

So this is a good day, where the pain is manageable, as is my mobility. I feel hopeful and able to accomplish some tasks. However, on other days it feels like the end of the world. I have not totally left pity-party-city, but I am working on it.

Alexander

Today would be 19 years since Alex died so suddenly in a car crash. There is nothing new to say about that, but I wanted to talk a little about some memories of him.

 

I remember how much he loved pizza. He was a wiry dude, but tried to live on the stuff. So much like his dad in his own youth, who could eat anything (constantly) and it would just burn off. Wish my body would do that!

One night I was actually able to bribe him with pizza to get the scoop about a young lady. Of course, he made it deliverable immediately but then spilled his heart out to mom. He was about 16 at the time, and I remember this conversation vividly.


Alex had a big crush on Mariah Carey and loved her singing. We even played one of her songs at his funeral. He also just loved music and could sing along with anything. His voice was not great (just like me), but he didn’t care. He was trying to learn how to play the guitar and would jam with his friends. That was an interesting sound. J

 

Alex was family oriented. He loved his little brother and was fiercely protective. That is not to say that they never had sibling rivalry, but it wasn’t a big thing. I remember they were wrestling in the hallway and Morgan was already bigger than Alex. Alex came away with a black eye, and we told him if he was going to mess with the grizzly he was going to have wounds. He died with remnants of that black eye, but it is a sweet memory because they were not fighting, just rough-housing.

 

Our boys were very close, and we know they would have been friends were Alex still here. That is a great sadness to not witness this bond into later years.

 

He was a loyal friend, family young man, and very, very funny, with a dry humor that could double you over. He was gentle, kind, loving, and we still miss him.

 

One would think that 19 years would lessen the pain. Certainly the pain of his absence is not all encompassing, as it once was, but my heart still yearns to hold my first born.  This pain never leaves, but I have learned to live with it and not dwell in it.

 

*Alex with black eye*

 

Those who knew Alex will never forget him. Those who didn’t know him personally have come to know him through our stories and memories. May his memory linger as a gentle soul who left us too soon.

Snoring

This is my first entry in the New Year, and I cannot believe it is 2013. Those are numbers right out of science fiction. However, that is the only thing reminiscent of sci-fi stories. For instance, they have not conquered snoring for we average folk. I am surrounded by it.

 

Poor me; I have been listening to John snore for 41 years. It is so bad that at one point he woke up an entire camp ground! It has been like this since he was 17 years old. Now, it doesn’t particularly bother him. Isn’t that just so precious!?/%...He gets a wonderful nights’ sleep. Of course, he occasionally wakes up a little sore in the ribs and cannot figure out why.

 

Then, as many of you know, we adopted a baby French Bulldog. She is now almost 5-years-old and guess what? SHE SNORES. She snores big time. People cannot believe that something so small can sound like that.

 

So when we go to bed at night there is a cacophony of sound unlike anything most people hear. Truffle sleeps next to John and they snore in an offset pattern. It is so cute unless I am trying to sleep. I resorted to ear plugs years ago, but often they are not enough to tamp the sound to a sleeping level. Therefore, I am driven from the room. I sleep everywhere else around the house; moving from bed to chair to bed and then in the deep of night back into my bedroom where their snores are muffled.

 

As I finally and luxuriously stretch out in my bed and fall asleep, I am awoken by a horrible sound. It was me and I woke myself up snoring. Say it isn’t so!!!!! I have turned into one of them and now we are a trio.