I have lost her! I wonder if I am the only one who loses who they were, and is having trouble accepting who they are.
Where did that girl go? You know the one who was going to be a world traveler and live a sophisticated life. I got married at 18-years-old and changed that specific plan. No regrets.
Then there was the businesswoman who became the youngest manager in the country. I was pretty good in that financial company. I left when pregnant with Alex. My choice.
I was already a wife, so now I became a mom; first Alex and three years later, Morgan. This Terri loved her little family more than words can say. Even more than she thought she ever could. She became the volunteer, advocate, partially single parent during the numerous time of my husband’s travel. As a couple, we were living the sophisticated life through my husband’s career. Guess what? I didn’t like it. I hate cocktail parties and company parties. I preferred my circle of friends and family.
Thinking that life had a certain rhythm, I learned to be okay as a homemaker. When the boys got old enough, I went to work for the local school district. I enjoyed working with children at the middle school age. I guess this would be my life now, but I was a little panicked because Alex was nearing graduation and going away to college. Time had gone so fast.
Then horrid change came; Alex died in a car crash in which he was driving. He was only 17 and at the end of his junior year in high school. Despair, anguish, pain, and disbelief, colored my life for years. How could I be without my oldest son? It made no sense. It took years to redefine me within the parameters of a bereaved mom. The old Terri was gone and a new sad one stood in her place.
Over time, moments of sweetness and light came back into my life. Sometimes my humor reasserted itself. I wrote a book about survival, did interviews, and reengaged in life. In 2002, I started college. My goal had been small. I just wanted an Associate’s Degree in Human Services and then an intake job.
But this Terri loved school. The learning and the relationships were very different at this ripe old age of 49. Could I actually move through to a Bachelor’s Degree? Yes! Fun, fun, fun! Plus I excelled at the work. Who knew? I had a brain that was driven to understand the human psyche. The more challenging the assignments, the better I liked them. I graduated in 2008 with a Bachelor of Social Science/Psychology Degree; summa cum laude. I still can’t believe I did it, but also that it is over.
This Terri would have loved to continue in school, but now the long term disabling neuropathy reared up big time. School was no longer an option. Turns out I have nerve root disease along with the other diagnoses; so long bouts of sitting are not available to me. Since I cannot stand for longer than a couple of minutes, cannot sit for any length or lie down, my life has once again altered. Who am I? How do I do disabled?
I have certainly seen and known people far worse off than me. But this is not about them; there is always a worse story. I want to find me back. I lost me through my son’s death, my other son’s heartache, watching my sweet husband suffer, and seeing the world in shades of gray. Then the cherry on the cake was losing my ability to function as I once had. Is it possible to lose me forever? I feel like an albatross flung around my loved one’s neck.
Where is the glass half full Terri? Where is the funny Terri? Where is the Terri who made the best of things?
I don’t believe that I cannot find her again. She will be older, wiser, and more serious. She will need to find a way to be independent emotionally, while dependent physically. I need to give this woman a break, because this isn’t easy.
Perhaps, my funny little French Bull dog will help. She does make me laugh. Maybe allowing my friends to help me more, as they have tried to do, will aid me in finding my way back to me. Pride can take a terrible toll. I need to shelve some of that pride and realize that this is a new chapter, and I will need the assistance of those who love me and whom I love. Together we will find a Terri who can carve a new path!
